Recognizing the pattern of enabler behavior is important because it can help us understand the role the enabler is playing in the person’s harmful habits. According to the American Psychological Association, an enabler is someone who permits, encourages, or contributes to someone else’s maladaptive behaviors. Don’t hesitate to seek support for yourself or encourage your loved one to do the same. By confronting issues, setting firm boundaries, and encouraging professional assistance, you can empower your loved ones to face responsibility, grow, and change. A therapist can help you navigate the complexities of breaking enabling cycles, setting boundaries, and communicating effectively. Chronic stress, resentment, and financial strain are signs it’s time to address the situation.
Treatment & Support
- For example, a partner might agree to buy alcohol for someone struggling with drinking, thinking, “If I don’t do it, they’ll get angry or find a way to get it anyway.”
- This might look like covering up their behaviors or lying to protect them.
- Therefore, we encourage our readers to seek the guidance of qualified health professionals for further queries related to your health or mental health condition.
- Do you find yourself making excuses for other people’s bad behavior?
- Enabling becomes less like making a choice to be helpful and more like helping in an attempt to keep the peace.
- It is difficult to compare an enabler and an abuser because they are two different things.
Her work spans various health-related topics, including mental health, fitness, nutrition, and wellness. Sanjana is a health writer and editor.
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An enabler personality encourages or supports someone to do things that should not be allowed. It’s like being a rescuer personality, but with better boundaries and self-care practices. Alright, enablers, it’s time for a revolution! Lastly, enabling behaviors can be learned coping mechanisms.
How to stop enabling behavior
While it might feel like you’re helping in the moment, this behavior often makes it harder for the addicted person to change or grow. Not to be confused, enabling doesn’t mean that a person thinks the behaviors of the other person are okay, but they might tolerate them because they don’t know how to better handle the situation. Many people who are enablers may not be trying to be or be aware that they are enabling their loved ones. Enabler behavior can have negative consequences for the enabler and the person they’re enabling.
It’s often frightening to think about bringing up serious issues like addiction once you’ve realized there’s a problem. Whether your loved one continues to drink to the point of blacking out or regularly takes money out of your wallet, your first instinct might be to confront them. Someone struggling with depression may have a hard time getting out of bed each day. They prevent your child from experiencing academic consequences that could affect their future.
Causes of Enabler Behavior
For example, a parent might insist, “They’re just going through a rough patch; it’s not that bad,” even as their child’s substance use becomes more obvious. Other experts label the stages as innocent enabling and desperate enabling. Not all experts agree on the amount of stages when it comes to enabling, but some include denial, compliance, control, and crisis. While this may keep things running smoothly in the short term, it allows the other person to avoid their responsibilities and creates an imbalance in the relationship. For example, a partner might take on all the household chores and bills because their spouse refuses to contribute, thinking, “If I don’t do it, nothing will get done.” Overcompensating involves neglecting one’s own needs and taking on the responsibilities and tasks of another person.
It can be difficult to say no when someone we care about asks for our help, even if that “help” could cause more harm than good. For example, giving them information about mental health professionals in the area that might help. When you empower someone, you’re giving them the tools they need to overcome or move beyond the challenges they face. There’s often a fine line between enabling and empowering.
Empowerment stands in contrast to enabling because it fosters responsibility and encourages personal growth. Enabling typically involves taking control or intervening to shield someone from the natural consequences of their actions. Disconnecting from a loved one is a self-protective measure — and it’s usually a last resort Pointing out how their behavior makes you feel and giving them projects to own can help you both It’s not that you need to cut the person out of your life necessarily, but they need to know that they are no longer welcome to come to you for support.
The psychology behind enablers often comes from a mix of past experiences, traumas, family dynamics, and personality types. This is why it is so important to encourage loved ones to seek things like addiction treatment, support groups, or detox opportunities so that they can get the help they need from health professionals. Being an enabler doesn’t mean that someone is a bad person, but it isn’t a healthy thing for either them or the person that they are trying to take care of. For example, giving money to a loved one who uses it for drugs or alcohol, or covering for someone’s bad behavior, are forms of enabling. An enabler, however, might repeatedly call in sick for that loved one at work or make excuses for their behavior, preventing them from facing consequences or taking accountability for their own life.
Health Categories To Explore
In fact, enabling generally begins with the desire to help. It’s not always easy to distinguish between empowering someone and enabling them. Maybe you excuse troubling behavior, lend money, or assist in other ways. You might believe if you don’t help, the outcome for everyone characteristics of an enabler involved will be far worse.
This is opposed to providing means and opportunities to continue engaging in self-destructive behaviors. Try to be honest with yourself about those behaviors that might not have contributed to a solution. Managing enabling behavior may require that you first recognize the root cause of it. In fact, many people who enable others don’t even realize what they’re doing. At the same time, it may be difficult for you to stop enabling them, which in turn might increase your irritation.
Signs someone is enabling
It’s like the airplane safety demonstration – put on your own oxygen mask before helping others. It might feel uncomfortable at first, like wearing new shoes, but with practice, it’ll become second nature. Let’s break those chains of codependency and learn to put ourselves first (at least some of the time). Is it hard for you to say no when someone asks for help, even if you’re already overwhelmed?
So, how do you know if you’re an enabler? In fact, you might be surprised to learn that enabler personalities are as prevalent as pumpkin spice lattes in autumn – they’re everywhere! It’s like being a superhero, minus the cape and the ability to fly (though I’m sure many enablers wish they could be in multiple places at once). Enabling behaviors include making excuses for someone else, giving them money, covering for them, or even ignoring the problem entirely to avoid conflict. You might feel torn seeing your loved one face a difficult moment.
- For example, an adult sibling who grew up with a parent struggling with addiction might have learned to avoid conflict and “fix” problems to hold the family together.
- Overcompensating involves neglecting one’s own needs and taking on the responsibilities and tasks of another person.
- Do you lack time for your work, self-care, or other relationships since you’re doing more at home?
- At the same time, it may be difficult for you to stop enabling them, which in turn might increase your irritation.
The difference is that enabling takes helping to an extreme. That kind of thing happens sometimes, and it’s probably OK. There’s nothing wrong with helping others from time to time. We asked Dr. Borland about the signs of enabling, and how to put an end to the cycle of nonproductive “helping.”
When someone you love is struggling, it’s natural to want to help. Therefore, we encourage our readers to seek the guidance of qualified health professionals for further queries related to your health or mental health condition. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment.
What is enabling?
They may skip the topic or pretend they didn’t see the problematic behavior. This may make you feel like your own needs have fallen to the wayside. More than a role, enabling is a dynamic that often arises in specific scenarios. You’ve probably heard the term “enabler.” It’s one that’s often charged with judgment and stigma.
Set (and stick to) boundaries
When a pattern of enabling characterizes a relationship, it’s fairly common for resentment, or feelings of anger and disappointment, to develop. Sometimes we want to make sacrifices for the people we care about. Do you lack time for your work, self-care, or other relationships since you’re doing more at home? But avoiding discussion prevents you from bringing attention to the problem and helping your loved one address it in a healthy, positive way.
Sometimes, enablers don’t realize that they aren’t helping the other person and are allowing destructive or unhealthy behaviors to continue. In therapy, you can start identifying enabling behaviors and get support as you learn to help your loved one in healthier ways. If a loved one brings to your attention that your behavior may not be beneficial to you or the person you’re enabling, take some time to consider it. Enabling happens when you justify or support problematic behaviors in a loved one under the guise that you’re helping them. An enabler takes responsibility for all unhealthy actions or behaviors even knowing the consequences of doing so.